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Why, you ask?

Because you can't delete an entire paragraph of expressed feelings with the click of a button. You can't go forward and two steps back.

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I CAN'T LIVE HERE ANY LONGER.

I never feel more depressed than I do when I'm at home. (On reflection, that definitely goes up there in the Top 10 Saddest Sentences I've Ever Written). Now let me first say that I love my family more than anything or anyone in the entire world and I'm so thankful to have grown up with them in my life. But that's not to say that we're each emotionally mature enough to get along. My brother's lack of respect, and sometimes hurtful words, often bring me to the brink of tears (tears of frustration, that is). Also frustrating, is my sister's negative attitude and general hostility toward me, as well as the fact that she refuses to eat healthy.. almost as if to spite me. And my Mom and I.. the only time we've ever gotten along is when I lived 3000 miles away. Now put all of us together and what do you get? CHAOS.

If it weren't for my Dad and the two family pups, Bellah and Max, I would very much be living in what is a loose representation of 'hell' (Tad bit overdramatic, I know). I feel like I can't talk to anyone in this house--with the exception of Dad--without leaving the conversation feeling more upset and defeated than I felt upon entering it. So naturally, I retreat to my room to spend my time reading. But one can only read so much before needing real-life, stimulating interpersonal communication. So I give it another try. I descend the stairs to meet my ever-so-pleasant family in the living room. I am greeted with a flippant one-liner from my 17-year-old little brother. It is at this point that things head downhill... fast.

And so it is.. a seemingly never-ending cycle that continues to draw every last drop of energy from my body. I can no longer muster up the patience needed in order to 'act like an adult' in these situations.. so each attempt ends in failure faster than the previous one. Pretty soon, I won't even be able to make it down the stairs without turning around and heading back into my room.


Conclusion: I think it's time I got a job and moved on out, because I can tell my family members are sick of me.. and I would hate to see myself turn into a resentful monster in return.

PS. If your observation skills are as sharp as I assume they are, you may have noticed my overly frequent use of parentheses. Yes, this is likely to continue, as 'habits die hard'. Other grammatical tendencies of mine include quotation marks, dots, and commas.

The Power of The Paycheck

I'm upset. 

Why, you ask? Because not a day goes by that I don't have second thoughts about my college major. Most people view higher education as a stepping stone to a 'well-paying job', but as you've probably figured out by now, I'm not 'most people'. I view higher education as an opportunity to spend four years of my life studying not one, but many subjects, all of which contribute to my moral and intellectual growth; subjects that will shape the way in which I view my role as a citizen and as a human being. Why should I expect any less?

It angers me that in deciding upon a major, I should have to lend more importance to my future salary than to my actual education. Dad brought up the point that I can study what I love in my free time, but while this rationalization (that's all it really is) made me feel better at first, it now leaves me feeling depressed because there is no way that I'll have the time nor the energy to accomplish that. As it is, I'm unemployed and have all the free time in the world, yet I'm only able to cover 30% of my current 'to-learn' list. Imagine what I'll be able to fit in as a working, full-time student!

In a Parallel Universe...

You're probably wondering what exactly it is that I'd rather be studying. Unfortunately, there is no single major at the University of Texas that encompasses all that I'd like to learn (as one would expect), but I would like my classes to include some of the following topics: Sociology, culture (cultural anthropology), politics and political theory, world history, philosophy, indigenous culture/history.. etc. My current major, Nutritional Science, doesn't include a single course along any of these lines. Now don't get me wrong, I love nutrition. I think nutritional science has the power to prevent and treat a number of diseases that we're faced with today. The thing is, I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life reversing the poor eating habits of Americans while there are millions of people without food around the world. All around me, there are people without basic human rights.. people who need our help. Precious ecosystems are being destroyed and used for their 'resources' and in return, hundreds of species go extinct every day. I've received my 'slap in the face', my wake-up call, and my natural response is that of an intense longing to help.

I've decided to dedicate my life to helping the otherwise helpless, and I don't have a second to waste.. Much less 3 years. So, if I had it my way, I'd spend the next three years studying who we are, how we got here, and what it is that we need to do to move forward. I would like to better understand the human mind, and culture's influence on it. I would like to learn how other people have governed themselves over the course of history.. What worked, what didn't, and why? I would like to study political movements and revolutions of the past, so that I can gain as much insight as possible as to how we can bring about social change today. As for future jobs.. I'm not too worried. All I know is that I'm on a relentless pursuit of social and environmental justice, and I would be more than thankful just to be able to put a roof over my head and food in my belly.

Plans: Sustainability

As of yesterday, there are a few new ideas in my noggin.. I thought I would share them with y'all: 

1.  Permaculture. I've had this one on my mind for a while now, but haven't paid it much attention. That is, until I found some classes in the Austin area! It's time I learn how to grow my own food, so that I can give back to nature while avoiding the high prices and unreliability of grocery stores. For those of you who don't know what permaculture is, here's a quick look: 

Permaculture is an ecological design system for sustainability in all aspects of human endeavor. It teaches us how build natural homes, grow our own food, restore diminished landscapes and ecosystems, catch rainwater, build communities and much more. 

• The cornerstone of permaculture design is observing and mimicking patterns found in nature. 
• By applying permaculture design principles, we can actually have a positive impact on the land and on all other species (as opposed to merely reducing our negative impact).

 2.  Earth/Nature Building. When I'm done with college, I'd like to start or join an eco-community.. the structures within this community being made from Earthen materials of course. All built by the 'owner', with the help of friends and family! I found an apprenticeship that I'd like to attend next summer, but it's in Oregon, so if I can find one closer to Texas that would be great. One material that I've grown particularly fond of is cob. What is cob?

 A cob house is made of clay, sand and straw. The mixture is "kneaded" like dough before it is put into place by stomping on it with your feet or using a cement mixer. The clay acts as the glue, while the sand gives strength to the mixture and the straw gives the walls tensile strength once hardened into place. Cob is a very old building method that is now enjoying a renaissance. There are homes still standing today in Wales that are at least 500 years old.

ADVANTAGES OF COB BUILDINGS 

1. Energy Efficiency - A cob house provides a large amount of thermal mass. This helps keep the house cool in the summer and warm in the winter.
2. Inexpensive - The walls of the home are made entirely of natural resources that are available under your feet. (Some have cost only $1000!)   
3. "Buildability" - Cob homes are owner built. 
4. Fun - This is an excellent style of house to build for those with imagination.

 3. Nonprofit. Some of you might know that my biggest 'cause' is education. In the US, our education system is incredibly flawed. Students are treated as if they're numbers rather than unique, growing human beings, and there is no room for free expression, stimulating conversation, creativity, etc. Of course, I know there are some wonderful teachers out there, believe me I've had some. I'm not saying that the teachers are the problem.. rather, the system is. Anyway, I've been thinking that it would be great to someday create a 'free school', entirely taught by volunteers, free and open to any and all people. It could be run by the community for the community, and we could all use our unique skills to keep it up and running efficiently (ie. Carpentry, legal, etc). Classes could range from music to literature to simply a class where we can exchange ideas and talk about current issues. Still dreaming, but maybe someday I can make this dream a reality!

USA: Democracy?

I read this great interview on Alternet and thought I'd give Deep Green Resistance a read to get a feel for what the authors have in mind. Here's an excerpt from the preface that I had to share with y'all:

And in case you're wondering what the definition of 'democracy' is, I grabbed a screenshot of this page from Dictionary.com:

Of course, you've probably realized by now that supreme power is not 'vested in the people' and our society is not 'characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges'. Something to think about..

Technology and The Human-Nature Disconnect

 "A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books." - Walt Whitman

Back from the beach. Relaxation, sun and sea animals.. all with my favorite pal Kristen. Being away from my computer was exactly what I needed, and now that I'm back, I can't help but wish this thing would disappear into thin air. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful of the Internet for many reasons: (1) It allows me to connect with like-minded, interesting, wonderful people.. who I hope to meet in real life one day, (2) I can get international up-to-date news.. and from alternative news sources instead of the often untrustworthy mainstream media, (3) The sheer amount of information accessible to anyone. So much learning to do, so many great articles to read. And the list goes on and on...

All benefits considered, there are some definite drawbacks. The particular one I have in mind right now is the enormous disconnect that technology has created between humans and nature. I am someone who sees and appreciates nature's beauty in every moment, and I am someone who will never stop fighting for every living organism within our community.. yet I, too, spend more time at my computer than I do outside. I tend to rationalize this by saying to myself, 'At least you're learning!', but I know that there is a huge difference between learning by studying and learning by experiencing. Which one is more fulfilling? My thoughts lie with experience. The Walt Whitman quote above illustrates this point well. By using the term metaphysics, I believe Whitman is referring to the following definition:  'abstract theory or talk with no basis in reality'. In this case, the living, breathing, morning-glory at the window is our 'reality'.

So perhaps I should surround myself with life instead of spending all of my time with dead things like my computer.. Because in the end, all we really have are our experiences, right?

New Read: Mutual Aid

I've finally started reading Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution by Petr Kropotkin, and after reading 20 pages, I'm already hooked. Here's a passage from the book:

"Love, sympathy and self-sacrifice certainly play an immense part in the progressive development of our moral feelings. But it is not love and not even sympathy upon which society is based in mankind.

"It is the conscience--be it only at the stage of an instinct--of human solidarity. It is the unconscious recognition of the force that is borrowed by each man from the practice of mutual aid; of the close dependency of every one's happiness upon the happiness of all; and of the sense of justice, or equity, which brings the individual to consider the rights of every other individual as equal to his own."

The political and philosophical concepts of Anarchism have been at the forefront of my studies recently, coupled with my all-time favorite subjects: Philosophy, sociology, psych, and culture. With everything we've done (good and bad) as a species, I can't help but be absolutely intrigued by all things human. How did we get to where we are? What human traits are within each and every one of us, and which of those do we consciously or unconsciously ignore? And how does that impact our individual and collective happiness, our way of living, our world? I have so many questions. And as I begin to find answers, I'll be sure to share them with y'all!

Oh and big announcement (Okay, not that big): Yours truly is going to the beach tomorrow! For the first time in I don't know how long! I really need this time away from technology, and away from my books, to get some fresh air and sunshine. Many photos to come, I'm sure. :)